If we are a bit down, Tocker comes and says hello and stares with her liquid green-brown eyes straight into our eyes, and it cheers us up no end. We also do a lot more walking. Specifically, get into the habit of saving a tenth of everything you earn. Do it by direct debit, straight from your income, so you never see the money. This habit alone is likely to ensure that you will never be hard up, and it may help you get rich.
It will certainly diminish your money worries -- and that is important for happiness and effectiveness. Give it personally -- to a real, specific individual, or to a small charity that you are personally involved with. There is a theory that the more money you give, the more you get; and though this is not a great reason to give money away, it does seem to work eerily often. The real reason is that giving money helps other people, and it helps you too by making you feel good. All food is habit forming. You eat bad food -- you'll want to eat more. You eat good food -- even if you don't like so much to start with, you soon will -- at least for some of it.
So eat more of that.
I adore garlic -- you have been warned -- onions, berries and cherries, certain fish, and most green vegetables. Experiment with food that is good for you -- it is well worth having a blood test and seeing a nutritionist -- until you find food you love and that loves you. It is easier to exercise each day for half an hour or more, than to try to do it three times a week.
Do it at a fixed time so it becomes a habit. Don't let work interfere with it. If work might, do it first thing. Find some exercise you enjoy and stick to it -- walking, running but not on hard surfaces, especially if you are over 40 , cycling, and swimming are all excellent.
Exercise not only improves health immeasurably, but also clears the mind and makes you feel good. Not a whole book! But for at least half an hour be alone with a book. There are so many books of so many different types that if you can't find a book you really want to read, you are not being serious. Make sure you have a small pile of real books or a few on your Kindle that you want to read. Take a book or Kindle everywhere you might be able to read for a few minutes. Without excitement, we are not fully alive. Some people are fortunate: But if you don't or even if you do , find excitement, again for at least half an hour, in some activity that really turns you on -- sport, sex, dancing, games, gambling, playing cards, anything at all that doesn't do you or someone else harm.
Modern life is often far too tame. We are designed to get our thrills and if we don't, we may turn to destructive drugs to do that for us. Shout, scream, holler, or just enjoy -- but do it intensely. Before you start each day, work out what is going to give you half an hour of excitement.
If it has a strong physical element, so much the better. We spend half our waking hours working. Utterly mad not to enjoy it too -- even if it requires years of learning or experimentation to find out what that is. This week I met a friend I hadn't seen for six months. He'd just split up from his wife and he was extremely happy about it. His children are grown up, so I'm sure he made the right choice. Better of course to make the right decision first time. Fine, it's hard to do, and I didn't, so who am I to talk? Actually a very good person to talk, because I didn't think about my first relationship as seriously as I should, nor try it out gradually until I knew whether it would work.
It may be that no single decision is as important this one in terms of happiness, for you and other people too. So give it the thought that it deserves, and beware of your first answer. You may find the order here a bit odd, but friends in aggregate are probably an even more important cause of our happiness and value than our partner. Over time, we become more like our friends, and they become more like us. We influence each other enormously -- or else we are not true friends. So if you want to know what somebody is really like -- a prospective partner, for example -- get to know their close friends.
You may well be surprised. Values are what bring distinction to your life. You don't find them, you choose them. And when you do, you're on the path to fulfillment. Verified by Psychology Today. Couples need to be able to make decisions together. So do work colleagues.
Why does trouble come running as soon as two people, and especially folks of different genders, try to solve problems together? Male plus female plus a decision to be made invites high potential for arguments. That's often because each gender tends to short-change a different vital decision-making step.
Men rush for the finish line. Women explore, communicating about various underlying concerns. And therein lies the struggle. This observation goes beyond simple stereotyping in that it has been well-verified in copious research. Later, in her book about male-female differences in the business world, Talking from 9 to 5 , she repeated her research conclusions, "that often women want to talk about problems and get annoyed with men who want to solve them.
Women tend to dwell too long on exploring all the various aspects of the problem, moving too slowly toward a plan of action. Each is at risk for impatience with the other. See my post on men and women's listening patterns, Just Listen To Me! While the example below is from the home sphere, the same principles apply to duo problem-solving in the workplace.
Joe and Alyssa wanted to plan their summer vacation, they unknowingly were setting themselves up for trouble. That was because Joe is male, and Alyssa female. I'd rather wait until they're up in their rooms doing homework. When women face a decision, they tend to begin by collecting data. They do this by asking for others' thoughts on a question. When men hear these questions, they think they are being asked for a plan of action.
If the woman then thinks further about other factors and then decides against the man's suggested plan, woops. The man feels that his idea was rejected, and therefore that he was rejected.
It will help you understand the roles of bias, priming, and other psychological quirks in decision-making. The manner in which choices are presented to us also affects how we view them. They'll beat the bad guys and put things right and everything ends up cool. That's my hope in writing this article. They discussed Alyssa's parents ' situation. Now, focus on what it feels like to make the decisions you want to make. Your life would be black and white.
As I mentioned above, this glitch happens because when men address a problem, they tend to head straight for the finish line. They view success as finding a solution, preferably asap. When women address a problem they tend to err on the side of excessive data collection.
They first explore the territory before being ready to choose an answer. And therein lay the struggles of Joe and Alyssa. Later that evening, Joe began the conversation. I'd love to plan a fishing trip with the boys. Alyssa responded affectionately, "Yes, I know you love fishing and it's been a long time since we've done any. I'm thinking though that I'd love for all of us to have time with my folks. With them living in New England and us in Colorado, we hardly ever get to see them.
The boys already in their teens. They'll be off to college in no time and will hardly have spent time with their grandparents at all. That's a perfect plan. Fishing for me and the boys; grandparent visits for you.
This marriage is so frustrating! From Joe's point of view, they'd solved the problem. He was being affable. He had found a great win-win solution. Why was Alyssa upset with him? He'd felt quite satisfied with the summer plan he'd suggested. For women, a quickee dash to solutions is frustrating. The sexual equivalent for a couple is no foreplay followed by premature ejaculation.
She's just getting started and he's already done. Alyssa then led an important sharing. It turned out that she had on her mind multiple underlying concerns that she had not yet expressed. In terms of the three steps in win-win waltz conflict resolution, Joe had jumped from the first step, offering an initial solution idea, to step three, deciding on a plan of action. He'd skipped the middle step, step two, which is exploration of underlying concerns.
His resulting solution proposal was based on just part of the full set of factors that turned out to be important. Over the next half hour or so Joe and Alyssa talked effectively about multiple additional issues. They kept the emotional tone calm, respectful, and often even playful. As a result they were able to discuss their financial realities, which were tighter than Joe had realized as his wife mostly manages their accounts. They discussed Joe's medical situation, with allergies that tend to get dangerously bad during the summer.
They discussed the boys' summer hopes, which included playing on local softball teams and also summer jobs to earn money toward college. They discussed Alyssa's parents ' situation. Parkinson's was causing her dad to age quickly, leaving few remaining years that he would be able to travel. Joe gradually began to squirm. At the same time, we've done a ton of talking and yet we still have no plan!
Maybe it would be a good idea, now that we understand more of the concerns that our plan will need to address, to start brainstorming about possible solutions. What kind of vacation might work for all of us? Men love to generate solutions. Women enjoy sharing the exploration of relevant concerns. It's just that each tends to be more comfortable, and to do more of, one or the other realm. Put men's and women's strengths together and, wow, great solutions can emerge. That way they can co-create plans of action responsive to all the concerns of both of them and to the concerns of others who'll be involved in the plan as well.
Here's a new idea, a solution set.
By that I mean a plan with pieces that should cover all the bases. At the same time, especially given all these pieces of the puzzle that you and I have been talking about, now probably is not a great time. So instead let's schedule weekends fishing trips here in Colorado. It's been forever since I've been to Colorado mountain streams for fly-fishing, which I love, and which I've always wanted to teach the boys to do.
We could schedule around the boys baseball team's events. And let's ask the boys to find jobs where they will have weekends off. Actually we maybe could have even more time than if we flew to Maine. Now that they're retired, we could invite them to come out and stay with us for a month. That would be a whole lot cheaper way to enjoy time with them than flying us plus the three boys to Maine. Your folks would enjoy traveling here in the Wild West while your dad's legs and balance are still OK enough for him to be able to walk in the mountains.
During the weekdays when we have to work, they could drive to beautiful places with manageable length hikes.
With this new plan, besides the air fare savings the fishing would be inexpensive because we could rent tents and camp out. It's still early enough in the year that we should be able to reserve choice camping sites. And if we broke the fishing up into two or three long-weekend trip, I'd hardly have to miss work, which is what gets really expensive given that at my new job I get paid by the hour instead of on a yearly salary.
That vital last question can identify key remaining concerns that may need to be addressed. That last asthma attack, the one last summer, was pretty terrifying.
The Realities of Being a Man Kevin Rasberry. solid relationships, and positive outcomes, and you will find that you will end up somewhere in the neighborhood . When men hear these questions, they think they are being asked for a As a result they were able to discuss their financial realities, which.
As for me, what's unfinished still is that I want to thank you for agreeing to take time to talk through all the different aspects of the decision before we made a definite plan. I can talk just so long about concerns. I feel hugely relieved when we actually figure out what we are going to do Oh and one more thing. Since I won't have to take a full week or two off from work this summer, how about if we also plan to use my vacation time next winter for a getaway for the two of us?
She has authored multiple publications plus a website for couples who want to learn to handle their differences collaboratively rather than by arguing. Heitler's most recent book and website, Prescriptions Without Pills: For Relief from Depression, Anger, Anxiety and More , also includes a section on the skills for solving problems cooperatively. Maybe some men and women converse like that. I'm usually the one that wants to talk things through and it usually seems to be my girlfriends that want to rush things.
I don't know, maybe I don't fit the gender stereotype but I would imagine a lot of men and women don't.